oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize