Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
