You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
