hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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