she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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