Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
