A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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