i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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