who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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