Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize