Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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