just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
