Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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