Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
