So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
