I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My cat gives me a boner
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
