i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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