you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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