dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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