My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
