Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
