last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize