two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
