I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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