forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
