when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
