Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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