My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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