Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
