how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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