Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I met the friendliest cop last night
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
