He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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