I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
