found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
