No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
