why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize