his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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