I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
