I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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