So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
