There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
