That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
