Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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