We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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