new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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