i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
