Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
