seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
