he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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