i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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