I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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