I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
