Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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