I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
