Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
