Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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