I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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