This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
