You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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