the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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