singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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