He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
