So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
from now on my penis is your penis
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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