i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
