Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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