Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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