dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
